hi friends,
I’m sorry for my absence, I have been craving real life healing, and that can’t happen when you’re online. The diagnosis I received a couple weeks ago has fundamentally changed something in my brain and the pieces of my identity have shattered and I’ve been trying to find where all the fragments went. My therapist said that I am the same person that I was yesterday but I don't think that's true. I now have a name for what I've been experiencing all my life. Before the diagnosis I felt alone, like a mystery that will never be solved. Most of my self identifying as a question mark. After the diagnosis, now I have an answer. How could that not change someone?
Today I went to my favorite used bookstore in Carmel and went to grab the Brian Wilson biography that I found last Monday, which was two days before he passed. My fiance loves Brian and I made it a side quest to find it today. What a relief it was when I walked through those doors and saw the book on the bottom shelf. Now, normally when I would check out, I’d wait quietly until another customer was ready to check out and then I’d follow behind them. The employees all work in the back and there is a bell you can ring to let them know you’re ready. I know theres a sign that says “ring for service” but even still, it’s hard for me to cause so much noise and potentially annoy other people. Anyways, today I pressed the bell and while I felt my cheeks grow a little rosy, I remained composed. Along with not wanting to disturb people, I hardly ever talk to the employees who help me. Except today, I told her the story about how I saw this book here last week and how happy I was to have found it today. She reciprocated the excitement in the air, and I took my bag of books and headed to Big Sur to whale watch.
The first royalty check (from the show that my song is in) got sent to me and I used some of the money to buy a nice pair of binoculars. I have yet to look at the moon but I will report back to you. We went to Big Sur a couple days after my diagnosis and miraculously saw orcas through a pair of cheap binoculars. After that, I knew this would become a passion instantly, and sure enough, it did. So the good binoculars arrived in the mail and I have been driving around the bay every day since, trying to see my friendly neighborhood whales.
Meanwhile, my fiance is in Los Angeles looking for apartments and feeling the vibe out to see if we want to move back to the city. In my heart, I know I’m not ready. Every time I’ve left Big Sur and have imagined leaving for good, my eyes swell up with tears and I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude that I get to live so closely to my favorite place (so far). Is this a horrible time to move or am I just overreacting to the diagnosis and I should just carry on and say bye bye to the whales? It’s a confusing time, I am feeling everything strongly and the perfect word to sum me up is “fragile”
I’ve been out of words and out of energy. I assume that I’m going through autistic burnout, and I guess I just have to wait it out? I think I would lose my mind if we moved. It feels like I’m experiencing grief with feelings of fragility, feeling unfocused, rushed, worried and overwhelmed. (I used my new feelings wheel. You can print your own here)
being offline is really wonderful. I’ve picked up a new passion and now I feel a purpose for being where I currently am. The ocean is so close to me, my whale friends have been there this whole time. Aside from whale watching, I’m reading the new Taylor Jenkins Reid book and becoming hyper fixated on the 1986 Challenger Disaster. It’s all I can think about. Whales and the Challenger. Challenger and whales. I’m also eating a lot of chocolate covered raisins and kissing my cats until they desperately try to get away.
now back to wintering
